A musician, a writer, a DJ—I always presented myself as someone who creates and is involved in these things.

As I grow older, I don’t express the creative elements of my life outwardly—I keep creating, but sometimes I create for no one.

Is music that only I listen to is okay as music? Within the creative process, which I see as an exploration of the human soul, does there have to be an outward element?

I was always raised and conditioned by external validation—that’s how I knew whether I was successful or not.

I always measured myself by how much people liked me, or more precisely, how much I thought they liked me.

Is my creation now, consciously or unconsciously, aimed at making someone like me—even if I tell myself that’s not the intention?

Can I truly enjoy the joy of creating and doing when I know it’s only for myself?

As I grow and develop, I learn and accept the world as it is, and understand that I can’t force my desires onto it.

I (most likely) won’t be famous, won’t influence other creators, and will exist within my own small bubble and those who know me.

And why is that not okay? Why does my creation have to be accompanied by external validation?

Why, even more than a year after deleting all social media, do I still feel the need to share what I do and receive applause for it?

I built myself a home “studio” that, most likely, only I will use. Why can’t I be satisfied with that and instead feel that everyone needs to see it?

Also, the fact that I work with recorded and electronic music, rather than necessarily live performance, inherently makes me think about who will hear it and how—even if consciously “I don’t care” whether anyone listens.

Apparently, even if I’m ringing bells only for myself, I still expect someone to hear them.

At least this engagement with what drives me leads me to further growth.

Lately I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping. I can blame the war, the stress, and everything, but I choose to deal with it in a better way:

Science Fiction

Because most of the times I sadly can't concentrate on something more productive, sometimes not even trun on a gaming console, I try to get the most of the time and my little attention

so I try to watch all the Science Fiction classics our beautiful world can offer

I'll soon write a post why I'm so into Sci-fi, but I also love psychological horror so Alien was a great choice

And it blew my mind

But I don't want to talk about the amazing atmosphere, soundtrack, plot and vision, you know that already

Alien touched me because It reminded me of my of my past and made me think about my present

[spoilers for a 47 years old movie here]

Most of the plot revolves around chain of command, protocol and rules

When the ship mainframe – “Mother” woke the crew up and sent them to a random planet to answer a distress signal- that was the protocol, everything was fine

BUT when Ash, our “frindly” spaceship android decided to break quarentine and let a badass alien inside

That was putting Personality before Principles I've done it for most of my life.

I've let my impulses and what I thought was proper feelings control me

When personality if before principles there is no order, there is no future- I was letting an alien, a parasitic disease eat through me

I thought that's the way of living and didn't knew any better

Used people, used drugs, did anything to run away from myself and life

My life, like the Nosterdamus crew- was expandable, to get my desires satisfied

Everyday was a fight with my own alien, my own parasite

And one of my main ways to not even face it now is to keep my Principles before my Personality